Be sure to scroll down and check out all of my posts ... I went on a "catch-up" spree.
In the evenings when 4:30 or 5:30 rolls around, I am kicking myself because my day is almost over and I haven't been able to get everything accomplished on my list. And, I spend time rehashing everything that I did and why I don't have the time to finish everything before bedtime.
I've learned that what I need to do is just move on. Look at the situation and realize that I made a few mistakes, but it's okay. It's all part of this learning experience we call life, and I've learned that there are lot of ways to make mistakes. But, what makes this life so worth it is when I learn from them and then move on. The moving on part has been hard for me in the last few months.
In case you weren't already aware, I am a perfectionist. I tend to see the big picture and what is wrong with it, then analyze it and try to find the way to patch the holes. And, along with this I am an "all or nothing" kind of person. So, it's not worth it to me to exercise just once a week for only 20 minutes. It has to be every single day for 40 minutes at least ... or I just don't do it. And, if I'm not fully committed to something, or someone points out that something isn't working, I just drop it. So, why is it so hard for me to just move on in the same fashion? I come to the conclusion that I look at my mistakes and the wrong choices I make, then I spin a web of different options and different outcomes, hoping that one of them will work. When it doesn't work, I give up trying ... and all the while I feel failure in myself and my faith in myself. Which makes it hard for me to move on, because I then dwell on how to fix the giving up.
But in this last week, I realized that in my journey for self discovery, I now know that I need to let things go. Imperfection is a part of life. My days will never be perfect. My choices will never be the kind of perfection I think I can accomplish. My life will not be perfect at this time. And, I need to forgive myself a little bit more when I see those big holes glaring at me every single day ... because try as I might, I may never be able to fix those holes by myself. And, that's okay too. Because maybe, just maybe, the ONLY way they will get fixed is if I ask for help ... the kind of help that gives me forgiveness even when I don't give it myself.
Comments
Like Aubrey, I admire you a whole heck of a lot! I do think you are too hard on yourself and need to give yourself more credit.... :) But I realize that's easier said than done. Anyway, it's so nice to see your posts again. I stop by often. :)
Oh, perfectionism. It's both a good and bad thing. Good because it pushes you, but bad because sometimes we don't know how to push it back and say, "Hold on! This doesn't have to be perfect!" :)
Perhaps we need to re-frame out thinking and instead of saying we're perfectionists, we should say we're "try-ers." We'll keep trying until it works. Doesn't have to be perfect, but we'll keep trying.
Love you, sis! Can't wait to see you this weekend. :)